Jokes

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"


A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."


Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die." 


What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.


In the middle of a gynaecologists conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various interesting cases they have recently treated.

French gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was zis woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris .......eet was like a melon".

English gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd my good man, it could not possibly have been that big, the poor wooman wouldn't have been able to walk if it was".

French gynaecologist : "O la la, you eengleesh, zer you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze taste..


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."

The man behind the counter paused, then replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.

Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year.".

The scouser said "Nah, you're bullsh!tting me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you f#ckin' started it!".


A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."


A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


  • Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
  • Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evenings News)
  • Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
  • After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
  • A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
  • At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
  • Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler"

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door . . .

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?


  • A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
  • A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
    A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
    The man says "A premature ejaculation".
    "What?" says the woman.
    The man says "I've just come in my pants."
  • Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
  • A man walks into the doctors.
    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."
  • Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
  • A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
  • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  • Answer phone message"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
  • A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
    My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's really heavy"
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf, but he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
  • My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
  • A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
  • I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  • A man walks into doctor's office.
    "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
    "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
    "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
    "Like a glove."
  • Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
  • Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

  1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
  2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
  3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
  4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
  5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
  6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
  7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
  8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been know to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
  9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
  10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to be come irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
  11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
  12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
  13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
  14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
  15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
  16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

This old guy goes into the doctors office for his checkup..."Any Questions or problems"?, asks the doc..."well", says the ol guy, "I do have one problem..the first time I have sex with my wife I get all hot and sweat a great deal and then the second time I have sex with her I get all cold and shivers."

The Doctor tells him he will look into it for him and get back to him later.

The ol guy's wife is next to see the doctor and while she is sitting on the exam table the doctor asks...I"I have a question you may help me with, it seems your husband has told me that when he makes love with you the first time he gets all hot and then on the second time he gets all cold and shivers, would you know anything about this"?

"ahhh that ol fart", replies the wife, " The first time we make love is in July and the second time is in December"!!!


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"